I'll never forget the day my doctor couldn't get a heartbeat. He told me he was just making me nervous, so we'll do an ultrasound. And I'll never forget looking at my baby still lying face down on the ultrasound machine, no movement, just nothing. He was just... gone.
I have to admit, I'm tired. It's been a hard road to walk since seeing that ultrasound. It's been hard since I gave birth to my still baby. We chose a private funeral. It was just between the 2 of us and Pastor. He read Psalm 139 to us. It was amazing. I had heard the passage all of my life. But for the first time in my life, I clung to it. It talks about how God formed us in our mother's womb. It talks about how He knew how long we'd be here on this earth. That passage was my greatest comfort.
I have lived a life full of fear. Fear of the unknown that may come. I've been afraid of dogs, noises, the outdoors, people, strangers, running alone, shopping after dark, the dark -- period. I constantly look around trying to figure out if I'm still safe from harms way. It's not easy constantly being afraid. For some reason, I thought for sure I could prevent all harm from happening to me by just being extra careful with everything that I do. But when I lost my son, I realized I'm not in control of any of that.
God has a plan for all of our lives. He formed us all in our mother's womb, perfectly, the way HE wanted us to be formed. That doesn't mean we won't have hardships or things physically "wrong" with us. But we were all made according to His plan. And our Almighty God also has the perfect plan for our days. He has a plan for our time here. He knows when He wants to take us Home to Him. Wow! How amazing!!! I've lived my life in fear, when I didn't need to fear at all. Because God has the greatest plan possible for my life. He is in control! He is God over all. And I can rest now because I am God's child.
No fear or worry is needed. Because He is in control of all. We have an amazing God. A God who I can trust fully with my life.