The 19th was a long day. The kids had a ton of appointments and activities. And I had been sick with a horrible cough and cold for 16 days. I finally sat down during naps and finished my Black Friday shopping list. I had noticed a decrease in movement from my baby that day, but I did feel him move a few times during that short break. That night I went to the store to finish up my Thanksgiving dinner shopping. I felt funny in the store and decided it was just that I was tired. I got home around 9:30 and then prepped dinner for the next day. By the time I got to bed I fell right to sleep.
When I woke up the next day I did notice that I didn't feel the baby move. I had a doctor's appointment in an hour though so I wasn't too worried. Little did I know how that doctor's appointment would change my life. It was strange to hear no heartbeat on the doppler. It was even more strange to walk out of a hospital room with only a box of memories. Not memories of my baby smiling, but memories of his lost life at just 6 months gestation.
I've been through a lot this year. Stillbirth is tough. I can't say that I've fully grieved the loss of Ezekiel. I don't think I ever will actually. At times it feels like I lost him just yesterday. And other times it feels like I lost him 10 years ago. It pains me when I hear people comment about my 3 kids that they see me with. I always want to correct people and tell them that they are wrong because I actually have 4 kids. I carried him and gave birth to him! He should count too!
I will always miss my son. He is the lucky one though. He truly is the lucky one. I'm so blessed to know that he's in Heaven perfect and whole. We don't know why we lost him. The autopsy showed nothing. But we do know that God is good. He had a plan for Ezekiel's life, just like he has a plan for our lives. He planned for me to carry my son and give him straight back to God. God is good. It's by His grace that I was able to get through this year. His grace that helped me get through another pregnancy after losing Ezekiel. His grace. And I'm so thankful for all He has done for me.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.