Monday, May 13, 2013

The First of Many

Mother's Day. I have never been too fond of the holiday really. It seems like the world makes it into something so much bigger than it ever really needs to be. But this year was different for many reasons. We went to Sunriver with our Home Group. The men cooked us all breakfast :). But it wasn't just different because I was with my Home Group in this beautiful house that had all the works. It was different because I woke up the mother of 3 children again, but was only able to celebrate with 2 of them.

I'm not trying to be super discouraging to any of my normal readers. I'm just sharing what it's like to wake up that first Mother's Day after you bury a child. It's horrible. Yes, I know I had the privilege of giving him to eternity before he had to ever feel any pain. Yes, I know he's the lucky one. Yes, I know all the wonderful things I'm supposed to lean on right now. But deep down, it's horrible!!! The only thing I could think of throughout the day was how badly I wish he was with us. We were on a family vacation, and he wasn't there. It was Mother's Day. The day you want to enjoy your children the most, and he wasn't there. I know this seems selfish of me to be sad that I only had 2 kids to pack up that day to go home. I only had 2 kids to buckle up in the van. And I only had 2 kids to celebrate motherhood with that day. But it's reality.

Overall, it was a pretty good day. But I grieved. I went to the cemetery by myself. I cried the entire way there. I bought him tulips and put them in a little cemetery vase next to his grave marker. I again asked God why He wanted to take my son away. Why I couldn't enjoy him like I do my other kids. I know that God is good and it's His perfect plan. But it doesn't make it hurt less. I miss my son. I will always miss my son. And I really just can't wait to see him one day.

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