Choosing to Trust

I haven't talked much about the still birth recently. I also haven't talked that much about our next baby. But if I can be honest with you all I'd have to say that this road is not easy. One day, I'll be perfectly happy going on with life. And the next day, I'll feel the grief so heavy I can hardly stand up. I've finally come to realize that that's just the way grief works.

It's taken me a long time to allow myself to truly believe that I didn't do anything that caused the death of my sweet Ezekiel. Oh believe me, the questions people have asked me about different things I ate or did have all haunted me. At first, I just couldn't deal with even reading Psalm 139 because I blamed myself off and on for losing Ezekiel. But God has been so good to me. He constantly reminded me that HE was in charge of Ezekiel's life from the beginning. He knew when He created Ezekiel that my son would never meet me on this Earth. In the end, it doesn't really matter if I took enough prenatal vitamins, exercised enough, took benadryl, ate all organic food, or whatever else people can come up with. God knew Ezekiel wouldn't make it. God was in control of His life from the beginning.

We are now almost 15 weeks pregnant with baby #4. We are keeping the gender a surprise. And we are absolutely thrilled to be given this gift. But, I have a confession. I keep myself emotionally guarded from things as much as possible. I even struggle with sharing my deepest feelings with my closest friends. The first person I ever began to get emotionally close to I lost my freshmen year of college in a plane crash. I never shared what that did to me with anyone. So it takes me a long time to share feelings with people. And even then, it makes me feel quite uncomfortable at times. When I got pregnant with Jewell, I kept myself from getting extremely attached to her until she was born. I didn't cry when she was born like other mom's do. I didn't show emotion like that even though I was extremely overjoyed. I tried to be strong. I didn't get that attached to Jefferson either while pregnant. But I did get attached to Ezekiel. I got really close to him while pregnant. And then I lost him. And right before I got the word that I did for sure lose him, I tried to tough it up and actually told myself, "It's okay, I can do this. I can plan a funeral, I can do this." So I have to admit, I am trying to be strong, but I'm learning that I have to let God handle my emotions.

My friend Cindy and I were asked to sing a song at church called "Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin. It's an amazing song. Here are the words.

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you 

We sang this song just shortly after we found out that baby #4 was on the way. How amazing is our God? I had never heard of this song before. Then our Assistant Pastor just asked us to sing it! I've officially claimed this song as the song to get me through this pregnancy. I can't tell you what a relief it is for me to not have to worry about this pregnancy. This baby's life is held in HIS hands. He may choose to let him live and meet me, and He may choose to take him home. No matter what, I choose to trust God with this sweet baby.