It's December 30th. We only have 1 last day of 2012. I have listed a few goals as a wife and mommy for 2013. I mean, this is what we all do right? But I can't help but look back at this year as I think about 2013. If I could sum up this year in one would be, "blessed." I was so blessed.
The first week I started singing in church with our worship team after we lost Ezekiel. We sang the song, "Blessed Be Your Name." We started singing it with the bridge: "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." I sort of balled when first started singing it. I thought I was prepared after we had practiced (twice) before the worship service...but I wasn't. It hit me hard. God had chosen to take away Ezekiel. But I must choose to sing, "Lord, blessed be Your name." It isn't easy to grieve. Every time I meet someone new I want to tell them, "I have a baby in Heaven." I want them to know that the 2 kids they see aren't my only children. It hurts. Reality hurts. There is no escaping the hurt. But it says in Job, "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away: blessed be the name of the Lord." It doesn't say anything about not giving God the glory in all that He does. We're supposed to rejoice in what God has done in our lives. Even in the hardest circumstances. That worship service was good for me. It reminded me that in everything, I must CHOOSE to glorify God.
This afternoon I went on my first run since losing Ezekiel. I knew it would be sort of emotional to go out and run, not pregnant. I always listen to music when I run. Today, I chose my regular worship running music. I smiled and cried when I heard what the first song was, "Blessed Be Your Name." I truly believe God wanted that song to be the first song I listened to today. It made me think about all the things the Lord has blessed me with this year. Both the easy and the difficult things. Things weren't always easy, but I can look back and think, Blessed be Your Name. How refreshing. How do people get through each year without Him?
This year is hard to look back at at times. But I'm beginning to appreciate all of this year. Yes, I had to bury my son. I never got to meet him. But I am so so blessed. And I can't wait to see what 2013 brings. No matter what happens, I hope I remember that I must choose to say, Blessed Be Your Name.