When God Leads, We Follow

I still can’t believe I’m writing this post. I am still just amazed at how God has a plan for every aspect of our lives, way before we even realize it. I’m so glad God loves us so much.

When we first moved to Medford we had decided not to buy a house. We didn’t see the point in owning a house on 2 opposite coasts. But overtime we grew to like it here, and thought maybe the next step WAS to buy one. We started our search earlier this year. Well, I can’t begin to tell you all the different dilemmas that came up just to get ready to LOOK at houses. We would pray, and we just wouldn’t have peace. We kept trying to make it work, but it just wasn’t. When we went to sell the Jeep to get more money for our down payment (which neither of us wanted to do at all) we lost the title. We searched for over 4 hours for it. I don’t lose things like that. I had even set it aside so we didn’t lose it. It was then that we thought, “Hmm, maybe God really is trying to tell us something.” At the same time, I was getting emails from friends that I rarely get a chance to talk to telling us they had been burdened to pray for us, yet they weren’t sure why. We then began to pray that God would make it clear if we shouldn’t buy a house here. One day later, God started to make things clear. Three days later, Matt and I both separately felt like God wanted us to move from Medford to Denver.

Let me explain something, the city of Denver did not come on our minds because Matt’s Mom is moving there. It was completely from God! We both started praying very hard then. We asked God to make it extremely clear if he wanted us to move from Medford. Exactly one week later, I got a text from Matt saying, “God just answered our prayer.” At first we were so shocked we couldn’t believe it. So we kept praying and asking God to make it extremely clear. Every time we prayed that, God would answer it!!! It was crazy.

It was after multiple answers to prayer that Matt began working on his resume. Which I of course think is amazing. The weekend after finishing his resume he applied for a few jobs. He got a call on Monday. On MONDAY! That week, he had 3 interviews from the same company. He then went out to Denver where they drilled him with 6 back to back interviews in a matter of 3 hours. While all of this was happening, we started praying specifically for things. God answered them all! Okay, let me explain, we prayed for MONTHS for help with buying a house. MONTHS! God stopped that. But he opened every single door to move to Denver. And he answered them all quickly! It was amazing!!

To make a long story short, Matt accepted a software engineering position in Westminster, Colorado earlier today. We will be moving from Medford to Colorado in 3 weeks. I can’t begin to explain just how amazing our God is. I went from never wanting to leave Medford (I buried a son here, I have an amazing group of friends, etc.) to being at complete peace about moving. We asked God to provide health insurance right away for us, he did. I’ll be covered starting August 1st. I’m having a baby in a few months and I am at complete peace about moving??? Are you kidding me? I have the MOST AMAZING doctor ever. But when God leads, we follow. We have an amazing God. He works out all the details. I’m so glad we have HIM to guide us.

The BIG Ultrasound for #4

God is so good. He has blessed me with four children now :). Jewell and Jefferson are just happy as can be. Ezekiel is luckier than all of us since he's in Heaven. And this sweet new baby that still remains unnamed is doing so well. Again, I feel so blessed.

Today's ultrasound was a ton of fun. I went into it pretty anxious. But the entire way there I listened the CD my worship team leaders gave each of us with the new songs to learn. That really helped calm my nerves before going into the u/s. :) I was fortunate enough to have my husband and children go with me this time too. The baby currently weighs about 13 oz. I did forget to ask how long the babe was though :(. Oh well. All I really cared about what seeing the heart beating. I think that was the best thing of the entire u/s. All four chambers work just fine! Phew. And the heart rate was 152. We wanted to keep the gender a surprise, but we were sort of hoping to maybe guess just by looking at it. But, sweet baby didn't want to share what he/she was anyways :). Yay! Now we really can keep it a surprise.

After the u/s the sweet tech said she wanted the doctor to check everything due to my history. I have to go Maternal Fetal Medicine for all of my u/s. It's what my doctor requires for all of his patients. The specialist came in a few minutes later. She told me that everything looked perfect. She also told me that not having a cause for a still birth is the best answer to have. She said it pretty much gives you no risk of it happening again. I think that was the first time I was relieved since this pregnancy. :) She also said that she'd like to keep monitoring me. I'm supposed to go back again in 4 weeks for another u/s, and then I'll go back a few more times just to measure growth.

So far, I've gained 8 lbs this pregnancy. That's about 2 lbs more than last. I am okay with that. As long as I don't go over the 24 lbs I gained with Jewell and with Jefferson I'll be happy. I'm doing okay physically so far too. I just really wish I could sleep more than about an hour or two at a time. That would be so nice!

Overall, everything looks just fine! I'm thrilled. We are so blessed to be given then gift of another child. I just can't wait to meet this sweet one!

20 weeks

All of our ultrasounds so far.

This is just precious!!!

20 weeks. This shirt makes my belly look smaller since it's black.

Leaning and Trusting

This morning I woke up and immediately did what most of American society does. I looked at my iPhone to see if I missed anything important overnight. I did notice that my church prayer chain sent a prayer request out. As soon as I read the morning prayer request I just stopped. Another mother lost her baby to still birth. This time it was a missionary. I think I actually started to physically hurt for this dear mommy of 4. And all I could do was pray. And that I did.

This dear mommy was on my heart all day. But she was even more on my heart as we sang to our Lord this morning. All I could do was think of this Mommy who just lost her baby. I know that sense of loss. I just hurt and prayed the entire service. And I remembered all the emotions of those first few days after the loss. And then, selfishly I started to worry about losing this one. But then we came to our last song, "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" and part of "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus."

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Refrain:
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more! 

 These songs really spoke to me this morning. Hardships will come our way, but we have a God that we can lean on through everything. Every hardship. Every difficult time we face. And we need not fear for anything. We get the easy job. We just have to trust Him with everything. Even though life has it's hardships and trials. We just have to lean and trust. 

Pray for this missionary mommy please. The road she's now traveling will have its ups and downs. I'm so thankful she has God to lean and trust on.

The First of Many

Mother's Day. I have never been too fond of the holiday really. It seems like the world makes it into something so much bigger than it ever really needs to be. But this year was different for many reasons. We went to Sunriver with our Home Group. The men cooked us all breakfast :). But it wasn't just different because I was with my Home Group in this beautiful house that had all the works. It was different because I woke up the mother of 3 children again, but was only able to celebrate with 2 of them.

I'm not trying to be super discouraging to any of my normal readers. I'm just sharing what it's like to wake up that first Mother's Day after you bury a child. It's horrible. Yes, I know I had the privilege of giving him to eternity before he had to ever feel any pain. Yes, I know he's the lucky one. Yes, I know all the wonderful things I'm supposed to lean on right now. But deep down, it's horrible!!! The only thing I could think of throughout the day was how badly I wish he was with us. We were on a family vacation, and he wasn't there. It was Mother's Day. The day you want to enjoy your children the most, and he wasn't there. I know this seems selfish of me to be sad that I only had 2 kids to pack up that day to go home. I only had 2 kids to buckle up in the van. And I only had 2 kids to celebrate motherhood with that day. But it's reality.

Overall, it was a pretty good day. But I grieved. I went to the cemetery by myself. I cried the entire way there. I bought him tulips and put them in a little cemetery vase next to his grave marker. I again asked God why He wanted to take my son away. Why I couldn't enjoy him like I do my other kids. I know that God is good and it's His perfect plan. But it doesn't make it hurt less. I miss my son. I will always miss my son. And I really just can't wait to see him one day.

Choosing to Trust

I haven't talked much about the still birth recently. I also haven't talked that much about our next baby. But if I can be honest with you all I'd have to say that this road is not easy. One day, I'll be perfectly happy going on with life. And the next day, I'll feel the grief so heavy I can hardly stand up. I've finally come to realize that that's just the way grief works.

It's taken me a long time to allow myself to truly believe that I didn't do anything that caused the death of my sweet Ezekiel. Oh believe me, the questions people have asked me about different things I ate or did have all haunted me. At first, I just couldn't deal with even reading Psalm 139 because I blamed myself off and on for losing Ezekiel. But God has been so good to me. He constantly reminded me that HE was in charge of Ezekiel's life from the beginning. He knew when He created Ezekiel that my son would never meet me on this Earth. In the end, it doesn't really matter if I took enough prenatal vitamins, exercised enough, took benadryl, ate all organic food, or whatever else people can come up with. God knew Ezekiel wouldn't make it. God was in control of His life from the beginning.

We are now almost 15 weeks pregnant with baby #4. We are keeping the gender a surprise. And we are absolutely thrilled to be given this gift. But, I have a confession. I keep myself emotionally guarded from things as much as possible. I even struggle with sharing my deepest feelings with my closest friends. The first person I ever began to get emotionally close to I lost my freshmen year of college in a plane crash. I never shared what that did to me with anyone. So it takes me a long time to share feelings with people. And even then, it makes me feel quite uncomfortable at times. When I got pregnant with Jewell, I kept myself from getting extremely attached to her until she was born. I didn't cry when she was born like other mom's do. I didn't show emotion like that even though I was extremely overjoyed. I tried to be strong. I didn't get that attached to Jefferson either while pregnant. But I did get attached to Ezekiel. I got really close to him while pregnant. And then I lost him. And right before I got the word that I did for sure lose him, I tried to tough it up and actually told myself, "It's okay, I can do this. I can plan a funeral, I can do this." So I have to admit, I am trying to be strong, but I'm learning that I have to let God handle my emotions.

My friend Cindy and I were asked to sing a song at church called "Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin. It's an amazing song. Here are the words.

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you 

We sang this song just shortly after we found out that baby #4 was on the way. How amazing is our God? I had never heard of this song before. Then our Assistant Pastor just asked us to sing it! I've officially claimed this song as the song to get me through this pregnancy. I can't tell you what a relief it is for me to not have to worry about this pregnancy. This baby's life is held in HIS hands. He may choose to let him live and meet me, and He may choose to take him home. No matter what, I choose to trust God with this sweet baby. 

Easter 2013

Easter has come and gone, and I realize this is super late. But, I'm doing my best to balance the house work, take care of the kids, and try to get a little bit of rest when I can. Fun fun!

I made the kids a fun little Easter breakfast of Easter looking biscuits on Saturday. They love eating biscuits for breakfast :).

This year we had a little Easter Egg hunt for the kids the day before Easter. The kids really enjoyed it. Jefferson is now old enough to really understand too. Last Easter, he was a very new walker!

After we had a wonderful Easter service at our church we enjoyed a lovely dinner at our good friends Matt and Cindy's. They really did spoil us with their good food! My Mom also bought the kids their Easter outfits this year. I think the kids looked adorable :).

Sugar Cookie Fun

Yesterday, we decided to make sugar cookies since it's Easter this week. We also included some flower shapes. I haven't made sugar cookies since Christmas of 2011. I just really didn't like the recipe I used. This time I used the Cookie Bible recipe and it was much better (for those that like sugar cookies).

The kids did a pretty good job "helping" me make the cookies. I did have to have a room time break so I could clean up before we cut the cookies out. :) And, I was exhausted after we finished. It only took us ALL DAY! The kids loved it though. They really enjoyed helping Mommy in the kitchen.

He looks so cute doesn't he. That is, until he threw the flour all over the electric stove coils :).

The kids thought it was funny that we put the dough in rolls to cool.

Jefferson couldn't wait for Jewell to wake up to frost the cookies.